I’ve been looking for a girlfriend for the last 15 years or so, give or take. It’s been a lot of work, and I’ve found it’s best to stay hopeful. I’m always looking for new ways to meet women. I even tried to find one last year at the family reunion. That was awkward. Uncle Pete still won’t talk to me.
This time I went out of the family gene pool, and on to an on-line dating site. I found an interesting profile right away. She only had one picture and it was a head shot. Another pretty face; She left the rest up to the imagination. The way she talked about herself on her profile seemed promising. Educated, well travelled, and kinda funny.
Good enough for me.
The conversation was short and to the point. I liked her write up and she got a kick out of me. I wanted to meet her in real life so I could get a better handle on her.
It’s hard to get to know someone by staring into a cell phone, but for some reason that’s how people like to do it these days.
We agreed to meet for a walk in the park. I was gonna go anyway and it might be kind of an adventure to bring her along. It would be like picking up a hitch hiker. You never know what you’re gonna get. After all, what could be less stressful then a free activity that takes you for a tour of the outdoors.
We planned to meet at Tim Horton’s so we could grab a hot beverage to go with our first date.
I rolled into the parking lot twenty minutes early to see that she had already arrived. She was putting on sun screen and changing her shoes at the trunk of her car. Her blinding white skin needed protection, as it looked like she had just spent the month of July in her basement.
She was the definition of awkward. It looked as though she was dressed to go birdwatching with her grandparents. She wore khaki shorts with a button up shirt. As she reached up to adjust her hat two large sweat stains showed highly visible under each armpit.
We made eye contact. Perfect. The “point of no return” has arrived. She noticed me right away and proceeded to waddle over. She walked like a duck across the parking lot. Her mouth was open and her hands rested firmly on both hips.
There was no point in running. It was time to face the music and ride this one out. I rolled down my window to introduce myself.
As we said our hello’s I couldn’t help but notice that she had left a two inch thick swab of sun screen across the centre of her forehead. “Looks like someone got a little distracted…” I thought to myself. I tried to ignore it and proceeded to get down to business “What do you want to drink? I’ll grab it for you while you finish getting ready” I said.
She ordered a large black tea, but when she spoke she did so in a thick but odd sounding British accent. We had a short discussion about the weather, but as we talked I came to the realization that she was speaking with half a Canadian accent as well.
Confused I just had to ask. “Are you British?” I said. “No but I lived in England for 6 months and so now I have a bit of an accent.” She replied, hoping that I was buying her story. I was not. I could tell she was nervous…and weird.
I told her I would grab the drinks and then meet her out at the main road. From there she could just follow me up the hill to the park. She stopped trying to pretend she was British and agreed to the plan, speaking clearly in her native Canadian tongue.
I went inside and grabbed the drinks in less than five minutes.
As I pulled around to the front of the parking lot, I could see her standing by her car looking around in kind of a panic. It was if she had somehow lost me, or the plan had changed. I patiently waited for her to notice me, like we had talked about. Eventually she looked over, so I hoisted the drinks and waived at her to follow.
The show was about to start.
She jumped in her car and with both hands griping the steering wheel, she pulled back out of her stall. The only problem was she came out the wrong way so that she was facing away from the front. The car pointed deep into the confines of the busy parking lot.
Just then an SUV slowly pulled in behind her.
At this point she could have saved herself a lot of hassle and just pulled back into the stall, but instead she panicked under the pressure. She drove deeper into the parking lot away from me.
I instantly wondered what she was doing. Clearly she was going the wrong way.
I asked myself what she was going to do, as she got closer and closer to the back of the lot. “There’s still time…Turn around! You’re running out of options” I thought.
That’s when she spotted the open road to the drive thru. It must have looked like a clean get-a-way from that parking lot because she went straight for it.
After all, it looked like a clear route around the building and that SUV was still headed her way.
In a bold move she picks up speed and enters the drive thru. Little does she know, she has just past her own “point of no return”. As she rounds the corner, the long line of vehicles hungry for lunch becomes visible.
Her brake lights flash bright red as her old car comes to a halt. I watch in horror as she throws it in reverse. Back up lights now shine as she starts to reverse down the chute back towards the entrance. Then brake lights again.
The SUV has entered the cue behind her. Her head swivelling back and forth searching for options, then slowly looking down into her lap as she realizes she is now stuck in the drive thru.
Bullied there by an unassuming middle aged soccer mom in a SUV.
“I wonder what she is gonna order” I thought as I looked at her tea sitting safely in my cup holder. I could see that she was speaking into the intercom, no doubt trying to explain why she was there to begin with.
I backed up to give myself a better view.
I calmly waited for her to work her way through the line. I wasn’t mad, only curious. She was trying to play it cool, like it was no big deal. This kind of thing could happen to anyone.
I can only imagine the pressure she felt sitting in the drivers seat. The temperature was already over 30 degrees and that old sedan she was driving defiantly didn’t have air conditioning.
This was some very interesting people watching, except this was no random person, this was my date and potential girlfriend. I wonder how she would fair at the family reunion?
Finally I watched as she rolled up and talked to the girl at the window. She must be trying to apologize for the mistake. Hopefully she’s not trying to use that bad British accent again.
The pimply faced teenager inside would have had to been confused like the rest of us. Poor Girl. She would have also had to have been blind not to notice the smear of white sun screen still plastered across her forehead.
This date was already worth it’s weight in gold and it hadn’t even started yet.