When my uncle Pete was in high school he was a long distance runner. He was also an asshole. Principal Douglas at his high school was always on his case. One time inparticular he used a nark to catch Uncle Pete selling cigarettes to all the other kids at lunch.
He reported this discovery to my hardnosed grandfather who confiscated the boy’s vehicle for two weeks.
My uncle isn’t the kind of guy to be picked on by anyone, especially an overweight school principal. He made a plan for revenge. Something creative and public. Something that burns. He was going to humiliate him in front of the entire school. He got a ladder and some pink spray paint.
10:15 p.m. He was leaning high against the outside of the gymnasium wall in the process of writing “Douglas is a Dink” when the police car saw him. The red and blues flashed up. Uncle Pete did the only thing he knew how…Run! Just like Forest Gump.
He had the legs of a gazelle as he flew across the field and over the fence. The squad car closed the gap quick, so he took the chase to his area of expertise. He crossed the road and booked it through several back yards and alleys. One of the officers jumped out of the car and stayed right with him as they tore up through the neighborhood.
As I said before, Uncle Pete was a long distance runner, and a good one at that. By this point he’d already been named the City of Kamloops Athlete of the Year. It took some doing, but after about 2 km he finally lost the annoying law man, who had been nipping at his heels for far too long. He had escaped the police once again.
The problem was that the cop in this case, was also a long distance runner. He was in good shape and knew that only another runner would have been able to loose him that quickly. He asked the principal “Who’s a kid in this school that could beat me in a land race like that.” Douglas knew the answer right away, there’s only one…..Pete Smith, and he’s crazier than a shit house rat.
The police got his address and went for a visit. They knocked on the door to speak to my grandfather, and when the door came open they got their hard evidence. Right beside the coat rack was a pair of white running shoes with pink spray paint all over them.
Uncle Pete always told me community service wasn’t as cool as it sounds.