Farm Justice #1


Fall 2008

Some people believe bad Karma will eventually get you for dirty deeds. I say “Why not make it instant.” This is an instructional guide for dealing with a bad neighbour, a thief, or anybody that has it coming. These are the first two ways of dealing with these dirty SOB’s.

# 1 (Bird through window)

The next time you can get your hands on a dead bird take it inside and freeze it in a zip lock bag. The larger the bird the better. Now let’s say you throw a party and your asshole neighbour calls a towing company and has one of your guests vehicles towed. This is unacceptable. For every action there is a re-action.

Step #1 Wait till he/she goes to work.

Step#2 Sneek over into their backyard

Step#3 Throw the frozen bird through a window of the house

(Hint: stay out of sight for obvious reasons)

Now enjoy the rest of your day because you know that the bird is going to thaw out during the coarse of the day. When your bad neighbour comes home he will assume that a bird was killed when it flew into the glass. He will also have a bill comparable to the tow plus interest for the damages.

# 2 (Bag em and Tag em)

This technique was taught to me by my grandpa, I just put my own spin on it. This is a non-violent but effective way to solve a problem.

We had this really annoying dog that used to come over and piss off all the neighbours. My grandpa asked the owner to keep it at home. It never happened, so Papa loaded the dog in the truck with him one day when he went to get fire wood. The dog was back from the 40 km trip a few days later but it stayed home ever since.

We are standing around the corner store having some good yak when this small guy in his early 20’s comes over and tries to pick a fight with one of the grade 8 kids on his bike. He is clearly intoxicated.

He tries to spit on us then throws a bottle at my friends truck, missing it and smashing it on the road instead. After this he goes over and hassles some lady and her two little kids as they come out of the store.

My friend wants to fight the man.

It’s not very satisfying to punch out a guy who’s 115 lbs and noodley. But it’s both funny and memorable to “Bag em and Tag em”

We rip over to my friends house to gear up. We grab a pillow case, and some duct tape and extra large Zap Straps. We also grab a couple of pairs of leotards form his mom’s closet. We take his old mans work van. It has no windows and it doesn’t matter if it gets a little messy in there.

We wait for the lights at the skate park to go off at 11:00 pm. When the lights go off the victim proceeds home behind the museum. This is when we strike.

We come up behind this guy with the pillow case and leotard masks on. We wrestle him down with ease, getting the bag over his head as quickly as possible.

(Hint: keep the vehicle out of sight until the victim has been bagged and tied off at the wrists and ankles. This will prevent him from ID’ing you. Also remember NO NAMES…in fact keep talking to a minimum so he can’t recognize your voice)

Once he is loaded in the vehicle, we take him 10 km out of town to the middle of nowhere. We cut him loose and peel out of there before he can get his hands free to remove the bag from his head.

I’m sure he made it back to town o.k. Cause we saw him the next day back at the corner store. This time a little less mouthy.

WARNING: This is highly illegal. Make sure you are organized and you DO NOT GET CAUGHT. I recommend using only people you can trust with any kidnapping applications.


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