Some Assembly Required

Dear Guillow’s Customer Service Manager:

My name is Gavin Smith and I am writing to complain about your Lancer Rubber Powered Endurance Flyer.

I recently bought one of your models on the premise that it would be easy to assemble and that it was guaranteed to fly. I’m a professional builder by trade so I can’t think of a more qualified person for the task.

I can read, and I can say with certainty your instructions were poor. They didn’t make hardly any sense and there was lots of words I didn’t recognize. To be fair, I did drop out of high school kinda early and English is not really one of my strong suits.

There was also pieces missing from the kit. Important pieces. God only knows what they do. It said on the box that it was for ages 8 and up. I’m 35 years old and I still couldn’t figure it out.

To be honest I did loose my job a few years back. My supervisor wrote that I was “grossly incompetent” on my separation form whatever that means…

I was on Employment Insurance for over a year. When that ran out, I got on welfare, but that hardly covers the cost of cigarettes and lottery tickets never mind toys like yours.

I bought your flyer with a credit card, and now I’ve gotten into trouble for it. American Express never explained how their goddam card works when they gave it to me and now they are sending me all kinds of nasty letters saying that I…get this… owe THEM money. One of them even said “Final Notice” on it. I didn’t even dignify that with a response.

I also have a lot of extra costs right now because of my skin condition. I have to buy all kinds of creams and ointments for it… O.K. you got me… It might actually be a little more serious.

When the doctor tells you something you don’t necessarily have to believe him because he’s just one person. You can get a second and third opinion if you want from another doctor and a pharmacist… It’s only when they all agree that you have an STD that you can be sure that’s what it is… FYI.

I wouldn’t have got herpes to begin with if that prostitute hadn’t lied to me. That bitch said she was clean! Moving forward I will be using condoms EVERY time.

You know what my real problem is? My wife is fat as a house… She won’t stop eating, no matter what I do. FUCK! There is not enough time in the day for me to help with her assisted living needs, never mind build your crappy model airplane that looks nothing like the picture.

In conclusion your guaranteed flyer doesn’t fly worth a shit. I want my money back.

Yours Truly,

Gavin Smith

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